Dating after an affair
“A troubled relationship is not an excuse for cheating, but if improvements can be made in broader areas—communication, time together, sex, etc.—it can be reassuring to both that cheating is less likely to occur,” Coleman says.“A major thing with couples is always to have them realize that there are two people there, and each person has to own their stuff, because blame is a big deal,” Sherry Amatenstein, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist, tells SELF.She also says that it’s important to take advantage of whatever communication skills couples always have, even if they’re not perfect. If they're willing to get out all their repressed stuff and learn how to communicate better, that certainly can be a help.”The cheater also needs to not only take full responsibility for the betrayal, but to show patience and understanding that healing from their actions is a long process, Cilona says.Finally, the couple has to essentially recreate their relationship.“The couple needs to let go of the parts of their [partnership] which were not working, and then move towards creating a new dynamic in the relationship,” Klow says.Manhattan-based licensed clinical psychologist Joseph Cilona, Psy.D., tells SELF that, due to the sensitive nature of the topic, it’s hard to know for sure how many couples stay together after infidelity.Experts say there are a lot of things that need to happen in order for a couple to move on. After it’s clear that the affair is over, Derhally guides her clients through a process in which the person who was cheated on can as as many questions as they want about what happened.The first, and most important, is for the cheating to stop. This can take multiple sessions, and it depends on complete honesty.“Some people want to know everything about the affair,” Derhally says.
“There's many people I've worked with who are very willing to give their passwords and things like that to their spouse.”Of course, technology can make it possible for cheaters to continue behaving badly without leaving a record by deleting apps from their phones or communicating with affair partners through things like Snapchat.
What's scary about affairs is there's a lot of unknowns.
Then you kind of move the process of being able to vent your feelings to your partner and the process of your partner being able to receive that forgiveness.”“Betrayal is the most damaging part of an affair,” Klow says.
“Despite the ambiguous statistics, it seems reasonable to speculate that more couples are staying together after infidelity than not,” he says.
There are a few factors that make a couple more likely to try to work it out, psychologist Paul Coleman, Psy.“The person who cheated cannot see the person they cheated with again,” says Klow. “They want to know where it happened, how many times.